all jumbled up

The other night I dreamt of M - no matter how hard I try not to think of it, or I don’t think of it, memories and thoughts pop up in the unlikeliest of places. And I’m not quite sure how to handle the situation. Personally, I just find it alternately hilarious and then pathetic at his inability to handle the resulting situation, particularly after all that bravado and talk. On the other hand, its a pretty damning personal rejection of myself. As any egoistical person would, I’m leaning towards the former reason and my supreme capabilities at being the bigger person. Its just a pity because I have a feeling we could have been pretty good friends.

Moving on, theres J too - bred out of boredom and perhaps a need for self-vindication after the M-incident. Now that is just incredibly tickling - strange things happen after nights out. To his credit, he was a good dancer with a great sense of humour plus very considerate. I think I’m going to text him next week (:

Its so ridiculous and illogical how much of my self-worth I’ve pinned on these two boys. In a strange way, I still have this fantasy? that I’ll bump into M at a club and I’ll be with J, and cool as a cucumber I’ll tell him I have a job and by the way, he has syph and I really wanted to tell him but he never got in touch with me.

mwahahahahhaa :D